


Cockthistle Thundercunt

by TenSpencerRiedPlease



Category: Doctor Strange (2016), Iron Man (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Crack, Humor, M/M, Tony Being Tony, idk man i thought this up at work and thought it was funny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-01-10
Packaged: 2019-10-07 16:44:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17369651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TenSpencerRiedPlease/pseuds/TenSpencerRiedPlease
Summary: Christine gives him a once over and smiles a little, “you really don’t believe in the soul mate thing? Come on, I’m sure you have a phrase. Test it on him,” she says, nodding at a tall, attractive Asian guy headed their way. Tony sighs and decides to humor her because it never works- she’s not the first to test his theory.“Cockthistle thundercunt,” he says as soon as the poor bastard he’s testing this on gets close enough to hear. Imagine his intense surprise when he gets an offended noise of frustration.“You made me walk around with cockthistle thundercunt on my body my whole life- you have no idea how embarrassing that is!” he snaps.





	Cockthistle Thundercunt

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't figure out what to name this, so Tony's wacky phrase from technically Stephen's imagination it is.

Tony finds himself at some charity gala for something, he’s sure Pepper told him at some point but he hadn’t been paying attention, when he meets Christine. He smiles when he sees her walk up the way fans usually do though she looks far less enamored, which he’s grateful for. “Hey,” he says just before she reaches him, cutting off whatever insane thing that was about to come out of her mouth and she frowns.

“That’s it?” she asks, stunned.

Right, because if you want to meet your soul mate your words have to be unique. So the whole fucking world has gone _nuts_ trying to think up word combinations that have never been said before and subjecting every sorry fucking soul they meet to them before they even greet each other. Tony has never bought into that- only ten percent of people meet their soul mate anyway, and most of them are in retail settings where they deal with copious amounts of people a day. Why the hell people subject themselves to those kinds of jobs, and _everyone_ wants one, he has no clue. He’s always preferred the solitary nature of his lab.

He shrugs at Christine though, “you are more than likely not my soul mate- scratch that, you definitely aren’t,” he says when he realizes her words aren’t the ones across his left shoulder blade that Rhodey has studied intensely for meaning of some type for years. His words were simple- Lysol kamikaze. Carol thought the combination was ridiculous enough that it would work and it did so there’s that. Rhodey’s idiot response was an imaginative ‘what?’ Poor Carol got screwed over there. “So what’s the point?” he finishes.

The woman across from him shrugs, “I mean there’s a chance, right? Anyway, I’m Christine- thank you for donating to my research,” she says and great he doesn’t even know what that research _is_ , just that Pepper would have found it worth while to donate to. He donates to a lot of things, but only ever pays attention to the stuff for kids and battered women. Guess his childhood explains why that is, but he knows Pepper does her research in finding good causes so he doesn’t say anything about it.

“You’re uh, welcome,” he says somewhat awkwardly.

She gives him a once over and smiles a little, “you really don’t believe in the soul mate thing?” she asks and he laughs.

“I believe in it, my best friend met his soul mate, but the chances are insane and even him and Carol would have missed each other by five minutes had things worked out differently.” Turns out they’d been having near misses for years as they both rose in the ranks of their respective branches of the US military. It just so happened that Rhodey decided to go to the bathroom at _that_ time and he ran into Carol, who blurted out her ridiculous catch phrase only to have it actually work this time. Guess at least one of them had a weird phrase- these days combinations like that are unusual, most people come up with some wacky thing in childhood they stick with forever, but occasionally someone has something ordinary and the other doesn’t. That’s pretty much the only up side to those insane catch phrase things- at least you know for sure _that’s_ your soul mate if you happen to have a normal response to talking to someone.

“Come on, I’m sure you have a phrase. Test it on him,” she says, nodding at a tall, attractive Asian guy headed their way. Too bad it looks like he’s sniffing something unpleasant with his nose in the air like that.

Tony sighs and decides to humor her because it never works- she’s not the first to test his theory. “Cockthistle thundercunt,” he says as soon as the poor bastard he’s testing this on gets close enough to hear. Imagine his intense surprise when he gets an offended noise of frustration.

“You made me walk around with _cockthistle thundercunt_ on my body my whole life- you have _no_ idea how embarrassing that is!” he snaps and Tony grins, having long established a response to this.

“It was your response that told me what to say, so really this is your fault,” he says and his companion, soul mate apparently, lets out another annoyed noise.

“I don’t want your money,” he says in response, turning on his heel and walking off.

Christine looks panicked for a moment, “he doesn’t mean that,” she says quickly and runs after him.

Later, Tony finds out his name is Stephen Strange.

*

Stephen wants nothing to do with his soul mate, never mind his long standing crush on Tony Stark- and he’s _not_ gay, the man is just attractive, its _normal_ to feel attraction to someone that looks like they’re constructed by angels no matter what anyone says about it. But no, he _refuses_ to have anything to do with the man on account of him forcing Steven to walk around his whole life with _expletives_ on his body. He’s gone into _job interviews_ with that on his damn forearm. He’s been banned from short sleeves on account of not wanting Christian moms to be offended at him because his soul mate has a filthy mouth. Summers have been sweaty _hell_ for him since childhood. He refuses to have anything to do with the man who did this to him.

Wong, however, looks elated. “What did Tony say when Stephen went off on him?” he asks despite not knowing Stephen had, in fact, went off. But he’s known Wong for years, he knows him well enough to know he’d tell his soul mate off.

Christine starts laughing and he glares at her. “Stop looking at me like that Stephen, he’s right. He told Stephen he only knew what to say because of his response,” she tells Wong to catch him up.

Stephen decides to abandon Wong when he starts clapping in glee. Wong refuses to attach himself to material goods because that’s _toxic_ , but he’s willing to throw his best friend under the bus like this? What’s toxic now, Wong? “I need new friends, you two are insufficient,” he mumbles.

“I can’t believe you walked around pissed off about your soul mark for your whole life only to have basically be the one to put it there,” Wong says, snickering. Stephen flips him off.

*

Tony figures he might as well try and make it up to Stephen for ruining his summers, apparently, so he shows up at his apartment with flowers. Christine gave him all the details he needed to know and, by total chance, she _happened_ to be Pepper’s soul mate. Imagine that, making a phone call to him, technically, and saying whatever wacky shit she thought up on instinct only to have said it to the right person because Pepper screens his calls after that time he got really stressed out when some random old Chinese woman called and chewed him out for not calling enough and wouldn’t accept that Tony wasn’t her grandson. When Pepper asked why he didn’t hang up he had no answer because that didn’t even occur to him.

Someone else answers the door and he goes from looking generally stoic to enthused, “I’ll get Stephen,” he says, scurrying off. Tony takes that as an opportunity to step inside, looking around. Its nice, if a little clinical for his tastes. But then a doctor does live here so maybe that’s why there seems to be a distinct lack of personality and knickknacks.

“Wong, I swear to _god-_ ” Stephen, presumably, says before he’s outted into the foyer space looking pissed off about it.

Tony holds out the flowers and Stephen frowns, pulling the flowers from his grasp. “Most people would have bought roses. Chrysanthemums are my favorite,” he says, leaning in to sniff the flowers.

He happened to know that thanks to Christine, who told a few stories to Pepper about Stephen’s disastrous attempts at growing them.

*

Wong sighs, sitting outside the apartment because he’s been kicked out and there’s a metaphorical sock on the door because Stephen ‘I’m Not Gay But Apparently Doesn’t Know Bisexual is A Thing’ Strange clearly holds carnal interests in his soul mate. Of course he knew that given that he’s had a crush on the man for years, but given that he and Christine are the ones who set this up after a lifetime of Stephen hating his soul mate for a shitty phrase _he_ thought up, technically, and then scolded Tony for Wong feels slighted.

Christine finds him there a half an hour later and rolls her eyes. “We should have known this would happen. We should get him back,” she says.

“Oh I’ve already thought up revenge. There will be no forks, spoons, or anything else American in that house. The man hails from Nepal and can’t use chopsticks? It’s offensive. And if he thinks I am cooking anything he is _wrong_ , it is back to fried pickles for him given that he can’t cook. And cleaning? He doesn’t have the time, but he is a _slob_ and I am on strike. He’s going to _suffer_.” Being a guy with no attachment to the material he needs to make himself indispensable to someone who pays rent- capitalism is hell and Stephen is generous, when he gets something out of it. Well, he has alienated Wong and now he’s going to pay for it in having to do his own laundry and eat food he can’t cook with utensils he never figured out how to use.

Christine considers that for a long moment before she starts laughing. “You’re a fearsome creature, Wong,” Christine tells him, “I always told him if you left he’d die, and now he’s going to find out what I meant because the sorry bastard thinks without him _you’d_ die.” He wouldn’t, Stephen might be finicky but he’s not a total ass, and also he really would die without Wong to pack his lunch and he happens to know Tony Stark is not a good cook. “I changed all our research so my name is first,” she adds and he starts laughing.

Poor Stephen, he really does have no idea how easy he is to torment.

**Author's Note:**

> [My writing Tumblr](https://tenspencerriedplease.tumblr.com/)


End file.
